Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Beautiful Truth

In the past I have been fairly outspoken on the topics of perceived beauty and weight.  I have been one of the loud ones, not only pointing out that what is in your heart and mind and soul are more important than the symmetry of your face, silkiness of your hair or size of your ass, but also lamenting the fact that many men don't seem to "get" this.  In the world of online dating, it is VERY common to see a 55 year old man, with a gut, receding hairline and a photo that was taken in a dirty bathroom mirror, who will flat-out say "no big ladies please", or limit his preferred demographic to women 15 years his junior.

So as a woman of a certain age and weight, I have spent the last couple of years defending the value of women like me.  Sometimes here on BOL (hello Mike Jeffries, you asshole), but more often on Facebook. 

When I see a post that says something about beauty coming from within, if I don't say "Try telling men this", I at least think it.  Ok who are we kidding?  I say it.  And I say it loud.  

Right, sure.

Because lately I'm feeling very much like life byproduct.  I've been a daughter, wife, mother.  I've been a girlfriend and I've served as a stepmother without bearing the official title.  And now I'm just what's left behind, no longer fit to be sent out into the world for any good purpose.  

I have my career, The Boy, and friends.  But this isn't really how I envisioned things working out.

But here's the thing.  Notice I said I spend a lot of time defending "women like me".  In my mind I picture the fat, 40-something woman, one of my Facebook friends, possibly someone I went to school with, looking at Facebook and seeing one of my comments and thinking "That's right.  I AM worth something!".

Ok but you know you can't fly, right?

But I'm not talking to me. 

I recently had a second date with a really great guy.  He's different than a lot of guys I've dated in that he's not overweight.  I don't know if I've intentionally searched out big guys or if they find me but if I think back to the men I've been out with since I got divorced, I'd say 85% have been overweight.   And if they're not overweight, most likely they are WAY taller than me.  Because I feel if he's bigger than me in SOME WAY, it makes me look smaller.

That's right...I'm a master of optical illusion!

Black is slimming right?

But this guy is of average height and weight.  And he's CUTE!  And when we met last week my first thought was "I'm a whale". But then something happened...or actually DIDN'T happen.  He didn't run for his life.  We had a very nice dinner and then after the dinner he continued to text me.  And we had another date.  I may have tricked him into thinking I was normal the first time, but after he saw me he came back for more!!

And I was looking in the mirror wondering why.  Why would this good looking, hilariously funny, sweet, normal man want to go out with me?

What's wrong with this picture?  Why am I so quick to defend everyone but me?

I'm a complete and total fraud. Hypocrite!!!

Excuse me, my pants are ablaze.

I preach to the women of the world "Value yourself!!!  You are awesome!!"  And I tell myself  "Oh wait not you.  Sorry sweetie.  You are worthless, because you are fat and old"

And in the rare moments when I recognize I have any value at all, I blame men for not seeing the value in me. For "MAKING ME" feel worthless.

So question....why do I give them that power?  If they're not smart enough know that physical beauty always fades...if they haven't matured enough to value intelligence, humor and a good heart....if they haven't figured out that if you shop for a car based on the paint color alone you're going to end up broken down on the side of the road....well then why would I let these idiots' opinion of my value influence MY opinion of my value??

That would sort of make me an idiot.  And I'm a lot of things, but I am NO idiot.  

I'm beautiful.  Maybe not always on the outside, but ALWAYS on the inside.  

It's too early to tell if I've found one of the ones who "gets it".  If not, maybe someday.  And if not, I'll just grow old with dogs.

Dogs always see your heart.