I have clinical depression and generalized anxiety
disorder. It’s typically well managed
with medication. Except when it’s not.
When it flares up, I never stop questioning my
feelings. Never. Every feeling comes with a disclaimer. A little tag in my head that says “…but this
may not be real”.
Do I really care that I was left out, or is it just the depression? Do they really not like me or is that just
the anxiety? Was the look on her face
really annoyance? Am I sleeping too much? Are they busy or just annoyed with me? Is it
just because it’s winter? It. Never.
Ends.
When freedom turns to loneliness, and blessed quiet turns to
deafening silence, and confidence turns into self-doubt, how do I know if it’s
real or just the illness? Because I really want it to be just the illness.
And because this may not be real, I don’t say anything. I mean how do I say “I’m sad” without worrying
anyone? Because I’m safe. I really am.
I’m just sad.
How do I say “What you did hurt my feelings” when even I’m
not sure if I’m not just being too sensitive?
How do I step over the giant block of anxiety that is always
right in front of me, to say “You hurt me”, when I don’t believe you meant
to? But how do I not say it? How do I get past it? How do I not be
hurt? And don’t I deserve to not be
hurt?
I’m asking….because I’m not sure.
When it's like this, feelings hurt more than they should. It’s like living in
Ohio in the winter. Sometimes the air
hurts my face. Except that it only seems to hurt MY FACE. And I can’t just avoid air. So I try hard not to
lock myself in the house. I try to pretend the air doesn’t hurt. And I try to remember
that someday it won’t hurt. It’s just winter. It’s just February in Ohio. And sometimes there’s sunshine and I think “Oh…..this
will help”…but it doesn’t. It’s still
fucking cold.
It'll be better in the spring. Right? Right! My depressed and anxious friends, say it with me......it'll be better in the spring.
