It'll be Better in the Spring

I have clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder.  It’s typically well managed with medication.  Except when it’s not.

When it flares up, I never stop questioning my feelings.  Never.  Every feeling comes with a disclaimer.  A little tag in my head that says “…but this may not be real”. 

Do I really care that I was left out, or is it just the depression?  Do they really not like me or is that just the anxiety?  Was the look on her face really annoyance? Am I sleeping too much? Are they busy or just annoyed with me? Is it just because it’s winter?  It. Never. Ends. 

When freedom turns to loneliness, and blessed quiet turns to deafening silence, and confidence turns into self-doubt, how do I know if it’s real or just the illness? Because I really want it to be just the illness.  

And because this may not be real, I don’t say anything.  I mean how do I say “I’m sad” without worrying anyone?   Because I’m safe.  I really am.  I’m just sad. 

How do I say “What you did hurt my feelings” when even I’m not sure if I’m not just being too sensitive? 

How do I step over the giant block of anxiety that is always right in front of me, to say “You hurt me”, when I don’t believe you meant to?  But how do I not say it?  How do I get past it? How do I not be hurt?  And don’t I deserve to not be hurt?

I’m asking….because I’m not sure.

When it's like this, feelings hurt more than they should. It’s like living in Ohio in the winter.  Sometimes the air hurts my face.  Except that it only seems to hurt MY FACE.  And I can’t just avoid air. So I try hard not to lock myself in the house.  I try to pretend the air doesn’t hurt.  And I try to remember that someday it won’t hurt.  It’s just winter.  It’s just February in Ohio.  And sometimes there’s sunshine and I think “Oh…..this will help”…but it doesn’t.  It’s still fucking cold.

It'll be better in the spring.  Right?  Right!  My depressed and anxious friends, say it with me......it'll be better in the spring.