Ahead may lie shit.

It's been over a year since I've written more than an email or Facebook post.  I'm a slacker.  I'm uninspired and I'm blocked and I'm all of those excuses that writers pull out when they're not writing.  And it's bullshit.  Well I mean it's all true, for sure.  But it's still bullshit.  I need to be writing.  Writing makes me happy and I have the time.  Dear God do I ever have the time.

They say there are two things writers do consistently.  They read and they write.  I've been doing neither.  So today I will start reading in the hopes that I can write some non-shit.  Because I've tried to write a few times over the past year and before clicking that scary "Publish" button up there I've decided it wasn't fit for public viewing.  I'm stuck in this weird loop where what I'm writing isn't good enough so I just...don't.  As if that solves the problem.  If the end goal is to write then how is not writing getting me any closer to that goal? 

I'm a real dumbass sometimes.

So I'm telling you now.  Ahead may lie shit.  Don't say I didn't warn you. 

I'm not going to sit here and say I'm going to write every day, because.....well let's get real.  This is not a New Years resolution.  It is honestly pure coincidence that it's January 1 at all.  I'm just saying it's time for me to start banging on the keyboard again for me.  And if something worthwhile comes out of it, great.  If not, well then what have I lost? 

So even though the timing of this semi-declaration has more to do with the fact that I'm not working today than it does with the date on the calendar, I'm going to talk a little bit about 2018, bitch that it was.  It definitely wasn't my favorite year.  It was pretty painful to tell you the truth.  But some great things have come out of it too.

For most of my life I've had only one or two close friends at a time, and I've been happy with that. I've never been one of these people who intentionally didn't let people in, but I also never really put myself out there.  Well in 2018 I discovered what it's like to have a group of friends.  And while it has been an overwhelmingly positive experience, I also found out what it's like to discover that I let someone in who I shouldn't have.  Now I understand why people put up walls.  It's a hard thing not to do when someone you trusted turns out to be batshit crazy.  But I'm choosing to value the new friends I gained in 2018 rather than focus on the ones who turned out to be toxic.  I love my new-found tribe and I wouldn't trade them for the world. 

Cutting the crazy out started a domino effect that led to one of the most important parts of my life being taken away from me.  And I've been sitting around stewing in my anger about that for a couple of months now.  Don't get me wrong...the anger is very much still there, and I don't see it going anywhere soon.  But the upside is that I now find myself with about 20 free hours a week that I used to devote to dog rescue.  I need to fill that time with something that doesn't involve alcohol, cigarettes or Netflix.  And while I've resisted the urge to wall myself off from people, I will never again pour my heart and soul into something that can be taken away from me by someone who would, dogs be damned, just because she can.

Nobody can take this from me.  So here I am.  Looking at that damn Publish button.  To push or not to push?  Here we go.....