Two Kinds of People

There’s two kinds of people.  That’s what we always say, right?  So let’s have an experiment.  Let’s boil this whole mask debate down to, instead of an argument between two large groups, let’s pretend it was a conversation between two people.  And let’s pretend those two people are intelligent and reasonable, and they respect and care for each other, and wish each other well.  Because how great would the world be if we all felt that way? Let’s call them Dick and Jane.  Bear with me for a bit.

Jane: Hey Dick, can we talk a minute?

Dick: Sure Jane, what’s up?

Jane: Well, here’s the thing.  You know how every time I go out anywhere, you’re there?

Dick: Yeah, crazy right?

Jane: Right.  Well, see, the experts are saying that, even if you have no symptoms, you could have COVID-19.  And even though I wear a mask whenever I’m around you, if you have it you could still give it to me.  But those chances are drastically reduced if you're also wearing a mask.  So it would really mean a lot to me if you’d wear a mask when you’re around me. 

Dick: Well, Jane, here’s the thing….

Karen: Excuse me…

Dick: Wait what?

Jane: Who the hell was that?

Karen: Excuse me, I have something to say…..see I CAN’T wear masks.

Dick: Where’d she come from?

Jane: Fuck if I know.

Dick: Ok hi, What’s your name?

Karen: Karen.

Jane: Ok Karen, I get that some people can’t wear masks for medical or emotional reasons.  And I respect your right not to wear one, because you can’t.

Karen:  Thanks.  I’d also like to point out that I don’t ALWAYS ask to speak to the manager.

Jane: Ok, duly noted. Now Dick, you were saying?

Dick: Yes, thanks…so I was about to say…

Steve: IT’S A CONSPIRACY

Dick: Sigh….

Steve: THEY’RE TRYING TO CONTROL US.

Jane: Um….what?

Steve: IF THEY TOLD YOU TO GET IN LINE AND GET IN A TRAIN CAR YOU WOULD JUST DO IT.

Dick: What the actual fu….

Steve: YOU’RE SHEEP. 

Jane: Ok…could you lower your….

Steve: BUT THE BAKERSFIELD DOCTORS. 

Jane: Ok, we’re trying to have a respectful conver…

Steve: PLANDEMIC! PLANDEMIC!  PLANDEMIC!!

Dick: Can you please leave if you’re not going to discuss this reas….

Steve: PLANDEMIC! PLANDEMIC!!

Jane: Oh!  Look!!  The government found UFOs and didn’t tell us.

Steve: WHAT?  WHERE?

Dick: Slams door.

Jane: Ok…..so can we just assume Steve's in the “no mask” group and move on.

Dick: Do I really have to claim him as one of mine?

Jane: ‘fraid so.

Dick: Shit.

Jane: Ok….so you were saying.

Dick: Right….so you’re saying if I wear a mask it’s not to protect me, it’s to protect you in case I’m sick and don't know it.

Jane: Yeah.  Except it's not really what I'M saying.  It's what the experts are saying.

Dick: Yeah, I don’t believe that. 

Jane: You….you what?

Dick: Yeah I don’t believe it.

Jane: Ok.  Are you a doctor?

Dick: No, but I read an article.

Jane: Oh…ok.  Well see these people who went to medical school for years and years say that if you have the virus, and you wear a mask, it drastically reduces the chance that you will infect someone else, especially if that someone is also wearing a mask.

Dick: Well you understand that it’s my right not to wear a mask in public.

Jane: Yep, I absolutely get that. I'm just asking you to do me a favor. 

Dick: But....wait how about this!  Since you’re afraid of the virus and I’m not, you just stay home and that way you don’t have to be worried about catching it if I have it.

Jane: Well, sure, I’m trying to do that as much as I can, but my dog can’t see past the fur in his face anymore and he’s old and sliding all over the floor from the overgrown fur on his paws and the groomers are finally open so I got him an appointment for tomorrow.  So, maybe you can come pick him up and take him for me?

Dick: Nah.  I mean I’m sure I’ll be there, because I always am, but I’m not going to pick your dog up and take him for you.  That’s your responsibility.

Jane: You’re absolutely right. It is.  And, you know, I need to go get groceries anyway while I’m out.

Dick: Well you should get curbside pickup, because you know I’ll be in the grocery store, breathing and stuff.

Jane: Yeah I’d love to do that.  That would be awesome.  But the stores here aren’t cooperating with that idea.  They list necessities like toilet paper and laundry soap as out of stock for online shoppers as a ploy to get you into the store. 

Dick: Oh, wow, that sucks.  Ok, what about delivery?

Jane: Yeah, I do that when I can, but between delivery fee and tip that costs an extra $8-$10 per delivery plus the stores that participate in that service are either out of everything (or so they say) or they’re the more expensive stores.  So Instacart costs me about 30% more than, say, Marc's.

Karen: Cough cough…sorry, my asthma.

Jane: Oh yeah!  I forgot about Karen..So Dick, Karen CAN’T wear a mask.  So if you have it, and you’re not wearing a mask, and you even walk past Karen in the store, she’s even more likely to get it. So can you just be a pal and wear this piece of fabric over your nose and mouth when you’re in the stores?

Dick: But it makes my glasses fog up.

Jane: Sigh….ok.  Yeah, me too.  It sucks.  So what you’re saying is that Karen and I should have to pay 30% more for groceries, and confine ourselves to our homes so that you and Steve don’t have to wear a piece of cloth on your faces while you’re around me.

Dick: Steve again?  I don’t want him in my group.

Jane: Sorry bud.

Dick: Ok so yeah, if you could just do that…that 30% thing and just stay home.  That’d be great.  Because my rights….

So yeah, sorry, I tried.  But I can’t seem to make this about two people who care about each other.  Because if they actually did care about each other, there would be no need for this conversation. 

Also, and it goes without saying, don't be a Dick.  Wear a mask.