Saturday, June 11, 2011

Little Bites

I'm back.  With a twist.

I've changed elbow braces, started wearing wrist braces to bed, changed keyboards and the elbows are much better, so I'm ready to start blogging again somewhat regularly.

But the content will be a bit diiferent this time around. 

Yesterday, my relationship of five years ended.  I'm a wreck right now.  I'm prone to disolving into a puddle of snot at the drop of a hat.  It's to be expected.  He lived with me, and I am head over heels in love with his daughter, so it is very difficult. 

A couple of weeks ago my child support was cut in half.   And of course The Man contributed financially to the household.  So the emotional blow to the heart is enhanced with a lovely one-two financial punch to the bank account.

It's been a suckola month you guys.

So now I'm single.  I'm on my own and solely responsible for myself and The Boy.  This is really a first.

When I was 19 I lived for a year in an apartment with a friend right after business school.  Really I just slept there during the week and went home to mommy & daddy's house on the weekends.  I was SO far from "on my own", though I thought I was all grown up.

I got sick and had to move back in with mom & dad for a year, I then moved in with my high school sweetheart.  We got married and had The Boy.  Then we got divorced. 

That whole paragraph up there /\...that was 20 years of my life.

I TECHNICALLY lived alone, just me and The Boy, for a year after The Ex moved out.  But during the first six months he was still very present....good guy that he is.  I mean he continued to take care of the lawn and he always offered help and was generally better to me than I deserved.  Then I met The Man.  He needs another name.  The Ex Boyfriend I guess.  XBF.  I met XBF about six months after The Ex moved out and he almost immediately started 'taking care of me', and my house.

So I've never REALLY been alone, solely responsible for my own existence, and half responsible for the existence of my son.  Until now.

The last two days have been hard.  I saw it coming, like a freight train.  I hoped it wasn't what I thought it was.  But it was.  And now I have to move on.

So the new direction of the blog.  It's about being single.  It will be about my journey to get to know myself, to be independent, to raise my son and be a positive, strong influence on him and, I hope and pray, to The Girl.  But that's up to her parents.  That is very VERY hard to think about.
This won't be about my relationship or the end of it.  As raw and fresh and new as this is, that's the past.  This is about the present and the future.

When I look around this house and think of everything that lies before me, all of my new responsibilities, it is beyond overwhelming.  I mean panic-attack-inducing overwhelming.  I have a four bedroom colonial on an acre and a half of land.  The Ex's dream home, which I have stubbornly hung on to for The Boy.  It has served its purpose for him and I don't believe it would be the end of the world if I left this house behind at this pont as long as I could stay in the same city and keep him in the same schools.  His friends are all over the city.  Not in our neighborhood.  So it wouldn't be as hard on him at sixteen as it would have been at ten.  But the housing market being what it is, and my mortgage and SECOND mortgage being what they are, selling seems unlikely.  I owe FAR more than it's worth, which is a trap I know SO many people are in.  So my goal is to stay put as long as it is practical to do so, but to try to realize if/when it's not. 

Bankruptcy may very well be in my future.  Won't THAT be fun to read about???

But I got off track.  Trying NOT to get overwhelmed or ahead of myself.

Someone once told me that the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.  Gross...but true. 

I am nothing if not methodical.  So my method will be to break this humongous, daunting, overwhelming, scary thing that is my new life into little, manageable bites.

Yesterday I changed my locks.  All by myself.  I went to The Home Depot, where a very nice young man cut a piece of wood for me.  This is my new patio door lock, because the regular lock is broken and I have NO idea how to fix it (neither did XBF).  And I bought two new deadbolts and installed them myself.  I used a screwdriver.  Hear me roar.

Today, the boy and I reprogrammed the garage keypad. 

None of this is anything at all against XBF.  It's more symbolic than anything.  I don't know why...I just felt compelled to do it.  I guess it's a MY HOUSE thing.  Taking control of my surroundings, or some such psychological rot.

Little bites. 

The days ahead will be really, really hard.  There is no doubt.  But I have friends literally coming out of the woodwork, offering me support and shoulders to cry on and telling me how strong I am and that I'll get through this.  And I will. 

And some day, as much as I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, someone I know WILL be as scared as I am, and maybe some of what I'm writing here will give her some hope.

I heard this one the radio today, and it gave ME hope.


  1. Perfect song and 100% true. You will. If you were NOT hurting right now, that would have meant you had no feelings, right? And you do.

    If things get so tight financially, one thing you can do later is advertise for a female roommate. Screen them really well. You charge rent and each pay 50% of utilities and have a lease with her with some ground rules in place.

    Hugs Terrie

  2. Just you wait, you'll be dry-walling with the best of them. I mean if you WANT to be dry-walling. But that's the thing - now you get to decide what YOU want to do!