It's Sunday, and I'm at the office. I just got here. I figure if I'm going to work on a Sunday I don't have to feel guilty about coming in VERY late, or about blogging before I get to work.
I got the first decent night sleep in a very long time last night. I don't think I've slept more than ten accumulated hours in the last four days. The light of the oncoming train kept me awake I guess. I tried to fool myself into thinking it was the light at the end of the tunnell, but my gut told me different.
Yesterday when my alarm went off I was wide awake, running in my head through all of the catastrophic circumstances that MIGHT happen, which I would be unable to handle alone. But I spent yesterday with a good friend, and spent a lot of time on the phone with another, and they have convinced me that I can handle more on my own than I think, and that they are there for me for the things I can't. So today, when the alarm actually WOKE ME UP, I turned it off. Because I could. And because I needed it.
When I got up my house was empty. And it wasn't scary. It was actually kind of nice. Nobody was there to criticize me for sleeping so late. XBF is an early riser and he took great joy in poking fun at me for my love of sleep. And I was the only one there to criticize myself for not going to the gym. But you know what? I've been through hell the last few days. I deserved some rest. So there.
There are things about my empty house that are hard to get used to, but they're not entirely bad.
My house is a tad on the dark side now. Blinds are drawn, sheers are closed. To the outisde it may look like I'm trying to shut out the world, but really I'm just trying to shut out the heat to reduce my electric bill. XBF liked everything open. These are the decisions I can make on my own now.
My house will feel more strange before it starts to feel more my own. Seeing XBF remove his stuff will be hard. Rearranging my stuff to make the the holes less noticiable will need to be done in my house and in my life.
The Girl's bedroom being empty will be....I can't even think about it.
But I've been through this before. In fact I wrote about it way back then. Let me find it. Maybe I'll post it tomorrow.
There is SO much that is familiar about this. Too much that is like the divorce. Along with the divorce came A LOT of bad stuff. Things that didn't happen BECAUSE of the divorce, but things that came at the same time. Maybe to test my strength. I lost one of my best friends shortly after the separation. I lost my job two weeks before the divorce was final, and most of my friends were at work. By that point I was already dating XBF. I had far less debt and far more child support, and I had him telling me everything would be ok, but still being unemployed and newly single is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I'm stronger now for going through that. There are moments still when I'm not entirely sure I'm strong enough for what lies ahead, but I'm worlds stronger now than I was when I filed for divorce.
But because of all of that trauma, one blow after another after another, now when I start to feel like "Ok! I can do this. We'll be fine"...and those moments are coming more and more frequently as the days pass, the feeling is too often followed by a silence where I can hear nothing but the frantic beating of my heart as I wait for the other shoe to drop.
I'm trying to convince myself that the child support cut was shoe one, the end of the relationship is shoe two. And this trial of my strength will soon be over and some semblance of normal life can begin. Shoe two will be a bit more drawn out in its descent and impact, because I still have his stuff, and his daughter still has my heart. There are things to be resolved in this. Even though there is no marriage license between us...(Note to self...thank him for his inability to commit. He may have been wiser than I.) there is more than five years between us, so there will be untangling to do. I am going to try to make it as painless for both of us, well for the FOUR of us, as possible. I can only hope he will do the same, but I can't fool myself into thinking I have any control over that.
I'll end this with a Facebook post from one of my idols, Jillian Michaels. Like I said I've felt this coming on for a while. I wanted to believe it wasn't what I thought it was. And I've spent my fair share of time with my fingers in my ears and my eyes squeezed shut screaming "la la la la I can't hear you" at my gut feelings. I'm not doing that any more, because Jillian says.....