Feelings Schmeelings

Last time I did The Ultimate Reset I kept hearing people talk about buried feelings and emotions coming to the surface.  I was all like "FEELINGS SCHMEELINGS, what are you babies whining about?  Get over here an help me chop carrots!"

This time around...whoa buddy.

I'm having a very hard time staying in control on a program that really does feed me plenty.  But it doesn't feed me iced mocha and Christmas cookies and milkshakes and it doesn't let me eat when I'm not hungry and that's a real problem.  I've definitely been filling a void with food and now that I can't do that all kinds of nasty stuff is coming up out of that hole.

Nice visual huh?  You're welcome.

Yesterday I had a major melt-down because I can't go to church.  I mean sure I CAN. There is no restraining order or anything (that you know of).  And to be perfectly honest until maybe two years ago I had no real desire to go.  I've always subscribed to the Amy Farrah Fowler school of religion.  I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.

But over the last couple of years, well since The Man left and Mom died and I sort of asked The Big Guy for help and got it, I've felt like I'd like to go.  The thing is when I was a kid we used to go to church once or twice a year.  And every time I went I felt like I didn't fit in.  People weren't friendly at all.  Pretty much the opposite.  It wasn't until I grew up until I figured out it may have had something to do with my mom's big hair and long red nails and mini-skirts and go-go boots and the fact that lots of people knew she was cheating on my dad.

But even putting that experience aside (cheeyah right), I feel like some churches are more about a fashion show and gossip-fest than fellowship and worship and having a better relationship with God, which is what I'm looking for. I don't expect to be BFF's with everyone on day one but I don't want to feel judged and looked down upon and that's what comes to mind when I think of church.

And there's this weird phenomenon.  I don't know what it is exactly but every damn time I walk into a church I start to cry.  Doesn't matter if it's for a wedding, a funeral (understandable, of course) or what.  I dissolve into a big puddle of snot and tears.

So when I think about going to church, I picture myself walking into this place where I don't know anyone, dressed wrong (because, yaknow, I'm me)

I wonder if this comes in my size!

 ....and immediately starting to cry.

Doesn't make me feel any closer to The Man, yaknow?

But still I have this pull.  And it's immensely frustrating.  It's a little tug of war that sometimes leans toward "You can do this.  Who cares what other people think?" and sometimes leans more toward "You freaking coward! You can't even do THIS??", and other times it's more like "Are you crazy?  You need to spend Sunday at the office!!"

Yeah, there are a few voices.

And I'm having all of this inner turmoil during a time where I couldn't keep up at work if I worked 60 hours a week, yet I have to leave at 6 to cook dinner, then make the next day's lunch, then clean up the kitchen and I don't get done until 9 or 9:30, then I start all over again.

So....I have an appointment Friday with a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders.  Maybe she can help me figure out something else to fill the void with to stop this kind of stuff from oozing out.  Maybe gambling or drugs.  That sounds like fun!!!

Today's lunch.  Day 7.  Microgreen salad and zucchini cashew soup.  Good stuff.  But I still want a mocha.

Complete self-control. It's not normal.

The frustrating thing about The Ultimate Reset is that you spend so much time around food but get to eat so little of it. Not that I'm wasting away to nothing.  There is plenty of food on this plan, but I've gotten far too used to shoving any pretty thing I see in my fat maw and now I have to have complete self-control.  It's not normal.

If you live in an area that has a really good health food store it has to be easier but the nearest Whole Foods is 45 minutes away and the little natural stores around here just don't fit the bill.  So I spend hours and hours wandering stores full of food I'm not allowed to have in search of the items I am.

Normally I do my grocery shopping on my way home on Friday night.  Yes, my life is THAT fun.  But I'm in and out in an hour and home to relax.  Yesterday I went to Wal Mart, the big super duper mammoth extravaganza Wal Mart with the grocery store in it, thinking surely they would have what I needed.  I went in with a list and came out with a hatred of humanity, and a list.  I seriously was wondering if there is a snowstorm predicted of which I'm not aware because EVERYONE was freaking shopping.  And I found myself to be, more often than not, either the person standing by at a polite distance waiting for someone to finish looking (and looking, and looking) at the EXACT item I need to get, or the person with a cart up my ass, navigated by an impatient a-hole who wanted what I was looking at.

People suck.

But it was Wal Mart, land of the bunny slippers, pajama pants and bikini tops.  Why would I expect manners?

So today I set out to Earth Fare.  I had never been there and had high hopes that it would be like Whole Foods but closer.  It was not.  It's a nice enough store but the shelves were bare.  Seriously...is there a meteor headed toward earth or something and everyone is stocking up but me??  Clue me in! I mean they had no cucumbers.  NO CUCUMBERS!!  A place called Earth Fare being out of cucumbers is like Wal Mart being out of Pop Tarts and Mac & Cheese.

So from there I went to Heinen's.  Now I love the Heinen's by my house. I would shop there all the time if I won the lottery (I'm an Aldi's girl, but they don't carry jicama or miso paste).  But I went to the Heinen's in Rocky River.  Or, as it's known by the locals, just "River"...said in a snotty tone, looking down one's nose.  It's a pretty snooty neighborhood.  I saw more than one person shopping from a list on their iPad.  Seriously?  Even if I HAD an iPad I would not bring it to the grocery store with me.  Everyone is dressed to the nines (no bunny slippers here).  Mostly yuppie families, who come all together, husband, wife and children.  In their Lexus SUV or Cadillac Escalade.  Who does that?  When Alex was little I did ANYTHING to avoid dragging him to the store with me.  And I think in 16 years of marriage the Ex went with me maybe twice.  But for these families it's an outing.  And the couples, with their 2.4 children, block the WHOLE FREAKING ISLE, while mom reads about the gluten content in the bread and dad makes sure the beer he's picking out is made from organic hops and barley.

Turns out I hate rich people too.

All in all I think I've spent about six hours this weekend dealing with groceries...driving to and fro, shopping and putting it away.  Next weekend I think I'll just pull up my big girl panties and drive the 90 minutes round trip to Whole Foods.  The people are nice there.  I don't recall wanting to kill anyone any of the times I've gone.  It will be worth the gas money.

But I did realize a few things.  First, it is really REALLY, just incredibly super duper hard for me to go ANYWHERE on the weekend without stopping for an iced mocha.  Often that's the only reason I brush my teeth and put on clothes on Saturday, and that's pathetic.

Second, it does not seem natural for me to not have a 'treat' of some sort when I'm done shopping.  A bottle of iced tea, or Starbuck's iced coffee, or a candy bar or a chocolate covered pretzel.  It's just really hard to stick to the list.  Like much harder than I thought.

And third, I'm tempted to fill whatever hole I've dumping food into with...stuff.  When I was at Wal Mart yesterday I didn't just walk the food isles, I covered the whole store.  I didn't know what I was looking for, but I was looking for something.  I didn't find it. Turns out they don't sell love or self-respect.

Today between Earth Fare and Heinen's I really wanted to go to Target or Ulta or any of a bunch of other places, even though I don't need anything.  I even considered going to the mall and getting one of those $10 ten-minute chair massages.  Just something, just for me.  Some comfort since I can't have comfort food, I guess.

How do normal people without food addictions deal with this?  I want to get control on my eating but I don't want to shift my fixation to shopping or drinking or sleeping or anything else.  Can't I just live my life and do what I need to do and be happy with what I have?  Is that possible?  Is that the sign of a person who is psychologically and emotionally healthy?  Or is it just an unrealistic dream?

I don't know.

Anyway I did go off-list with one item.  I was really, really hungry and a half hour from home and I bought this:

Some call it sesame kale chips.  I call it photographic evidence that I am not right in the head.  It's not TECHNICALLY off plan.  Everything in it is on the list of foods I'm allowed to have.  But it was $7.49!! And it means no after-dinner snack (I was going to have baby carrots and hummus) and also dinner will be VERY late due to the time I have to wait between eating, taking supplements and eating again.

Yes, I ate kale chips in the car on the way home.  And I enjoyed them.  What is WRONG with me?

I guess that's the big question. But it's only day four.  I have 17 days before I'm left to my own food decisions.  Hopefully I can figure something out before then.

Ultimate Reset Day 1 - Striving for Average

Yesterday I realized, and pointed out, that even when I find time to blog it is rarely over lunch any more.  Today I remembered why.  Because I'm usually out running around at lunchtime, doing things that could wait until after work or the weekend, because going out gives me a good excuse to stop at Starbucks and either Subway or the Giant Eagle salad bar.  Not gonna lie...I miss my beloved venti iced decaf skinny mocha, but I do not miss going out in the cold to get it.

I do need to get to Trader Joe's before the weekend but it can wait 'till after work...or tomorrow...or something.  I can see I'm not going to stay ahead of my grocery list as well without Starbucks luring me out of the office.

As to the reset in general, so far so good.  I got up a half hour early this morning since I had to cook eggs, steam kale and toast bread for breakfast, and actually sit down and eat it.  Dry toast is kinda bland so I ended up making an egg sandwich.  It was good but I inhaled it all because apparently an extra half hour isn't enough.  I really enjoy steamed kale with pine nuts and it would have been nice to take my time with it but sleep got the best of me, as usual.

Last time around I tried to save my snacks for the evening and found that the blood sugar plunge mid-morning was a problem, as evidenced by a tearful breakup with my then-boyfriend with whom I made up immediately after eating an apple.  And really between cooking, cleaning up and trying to get my lazy ass on the dreadmill, who will have time for a snack anyway?  So I had an apple mid-morning and I'll have some cashews mid-afternoon to try to keep my blood sugar, and my mood stable.

I may have snapped at a coworker a few minutes ago that she was not allowed to come into my cubicle ever again smelling like peanut butter.  I said my mood would be stable...I never said it would be good.  I'm cranky, but stable, and that's all I can expect.  I'm COLD and I have a mild headache.  I miss coffee, not for the caffeine (I switched to decaf after the last Reset) but for the flavor and the WARMTH.  I tried herbal tea...but there it sits, barely touched.

Smells like what it looks like.  

Speaking of piss...I'm in the bathroom constantly.  Could be because I drank more than a half gallon of water before lunch.  Which could be another reason I'm cold. 

Bright side...I'll get to wear my cute sweaters.

I did get on the scale this morning.  My last recorded weigh-in was on 9/12 and I've gained 8 lbs since then. Not acceptable, but I really feel more like I gained 20.  Hopefully putting it on fast means it will come off fast.  A gal can hope.

And if I can take off 20 in the next three weeks, which is not un-heard-of, I will be the lowest I've been in years and my reward to myself will be to change my body type on Match.com from "'A few extra pounds" to "Average".  Let's get real though.  Two thirds of American adults are overweight or obese.....so I'm already average, right?  Sad but true.

Lunch was a really yummy salad with home made creamy garlic salad dressing.  I LOVE this dressing and even make it when I'm not doing the reset.  Dinner will be baked salmon, steamed asparagus and baby potatoes.  One of the best dinners of the whole three weeks so I'm looking forward to that.  

Alkalinize at 2:30...not so much.  But it's all part of the process.  

Reset Eve

Have you noticed that my blog is almost never over lunch anymore?  More often than not it's over coffee on the weekend or, like today, I'm writing after dinner.

I just finished a delicious meal of roast pork, mashed potatoes, sauerkraut and cornbread.  The best part of it was that I was sitting down to eat it, in my jammies, no less than 15 minutes after I walked in the door after work.  Leftovers are awesome.

The flavor and convenience of the meal are appreciated a bit more today because I am heading into round two of The Ultimate Reset.  Long story short, if you're new here, this is a 21 day cleanse which involves TONS of cooking.  Everything is from scratch and all natural.  Day after tomorrow I will have the last meat I'll see for three weeks and this time next week I'll be following a strict vegan diet.  It's a crapton of work, but totally worth it.  Last time around I lost 14 pounds and dropped 40 points off my cholesterol.  This time around I intend to top that weight loss number.

But the intended purpose of The Ultimate Reset is not weight loss.  It's about breaking food addictions, learning how foods impact how you feel and resetting your system.  So I'm hoping it will do more for me than can be seen on the scale and my bulging waist.  I have fallen deep into a pit of pain, self-pity and self-loathing, and my only company in this hell are my three dear friends, food, alcohol and iced coffee.  I spend way too much time alone, wallowing in my aches, pains and singleness, and eating like it's my job.  If food got rid of loneliness and depression I'd be the happiest and most popular person around.  But as we all know, all food gets rid of is self-esteem, health and clothes that fit.

This shit must stop.

When I'm done writing this I have to make a salad and dressing (yes, dressing from scratch) for tomorrow's lunch.  Then I'll make my marinade for tomorrow night's salmon dinner and gather up my supplements to take to work.  Then I'll wash kale for tomorrow's breakfast, which I will actually have to cook then sit down and eat, a big change from my normal Shakeology in the car.  

Ahead of me lies three weeks of coming home from work to empty the previous day's dishes from the dishwasher, make dinner, then making the next day's breakfast and lunch, cleaning up the kitchen, walking on the dreadmill for a half hour and falling, exhausted into bed.

But you know what I won't be doing while I do all of that?  Shoving food in my face!  I also won't be surfing Match.com, because it's hard to date when you can't eat out or even meet for coffee.  So three weeks of no overeating and no rejection.  It sounds like exactly what I need.

I'm really looking forward to all of it...rediscovering the recipes, not having to make decisions about what to eat, not having to be disappointed in myself for making the wrong decisions, and most of all I'm looking forward to not feeling like a bloated moose all the time.  It's post-holiday blah times about a zilion and I hope the door hits it in the ass on its way out.

Know what I'm not looking forward to?  Getting on the scale in the morning.  Eek!!!

Stay tuned.