Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Feelings Schmeelings

Last time I did The Ultimate Reset I kept hearing people talk about buried feelings and emotions coming to the surface.  I was all like "FEELINGS SCHMEELINGS, what are you babies whining about?  Get over here an help me chop carrots!"

This time around...whoa buddy.

I'm having a very hard time staying in control on a program that really does feed me plenty.  But it doesn't feed me iced mocha and Christmas cookies and milkshakes and it doesn't let me eat when I'm not hungry and that's a real problem.  I've definitely been filling a void with food and now that I can't do that all kinds of nasty stuff is coming up out of that hole.

Nice visual huh?  You're welcome.

Yesterday I had a major melt-down because I can't go to church.  I mean sure I CAN. There is no restraining order or anything (that you know of).  And to be perfectly honest until maybe two years ago I had no real desire to go.  I've always subscribed to the Amy Farrah Fowler school of religion.  I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.

But over the last couple of years, well since The Man left and Mom died and I sort of asked The Big Guy for help and got it, I've felt like I'd like to go.  The thing is when I was a kid we used to go to church once or twice a year.  And every time I went I felt like I didn't fit in.  People weren't friendly at all.  Pretty much the opposite.  It wasn't until I grew up until I figured out it may have had something to do with my mom's big hair and long red nails and mini-skirts and go-go boots and the fact that lots of people knew she was cheating on my dad.

But even putting that experience aside (cheeyah right), I feel like some churches are more about a fashion show and gossip-fest than fellowship and worship and having a better relationship with God, which is what I'm looking for. I don't expect to be BFF's with everyone on day one but I don't want to feel judged and looked down upon and that's what comes to mind when I think of church.

And there's this weird phenomenon.  I don't know what it is exactly but every damn time I walk into a church I start to cry.  Doesn't matter if it's for a wedding, a funeral (understandable, of course) or what.  I dissolve into a big puddle of snot and tears.

So when I think about going to church, I picture myself walking into this place where I don't know anyone, dressed wrong (because, yaknow, I'm me)

 ....and immediately starting to cry.

Doesn't make me feel any closer to The Man, yaknow?

But still I have this pull.  And it's immensely frustrating.  It's a little tug of war that sometimes leans toward "You can do this.  Who cares what other people think?" and sometimes leans more toward "You freaking coward! You can't even do THIS??", and other times it's more like "Are you crazy?  You need to spend Sunday at the office!!"

Yeah, there are a few voices.

And I'm having all of this inner turmoil during a time where I couldn't keep up at work if I worked 60 hours a week, yet I have to leave at 6 to cook dinner, then make the next day's lunch, then clean up the kitchen and I don't get done until 9 or 9:30, then I start all over again.

So....I have an appointment Friday with a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders.  Maybe she can help me figure out something else to fill the void with to stop this kind of stuff from oozing out.  Maybe gambling or drugs.  That sounds like fun!!!

Today's lunch.  Day 7.  Microgreen salad and zucchini cashew soup.  Good stuff.  But I still want a mocha.

Photo: Day 7. Lunch. Microgreen salad with home made dressing and zucchini cashew soup. This soup is lick-the-bowl good!


  1. Well written. I am impressed, I didn't know you were a writer. EVERYONE has something they indulge in to fend off the blues. Unfortunately, I think mine is beer.

    1. Thanks Steve!

      Yeah I guess everyone probably does. I need to either find a way to live without an indulgence or find one less self-destructive. Or something :)

  2. WE ARE TWINS!! Every time I walk into a church I cry like a blithering idiot. I have no true idea as to why. I do, however, have a small theory as to why. It has to do with feelings of guilt and lack of self worth. I mean really... how could anyone love me SO MUCH that He'd do anything for me when I don't even love myself enough to brush my hair everyday? Am I really worthy of THAT kind of love?

    I generally feel that way most of the time... I'm not worthy of anyone.. including Him... to love me...and He and I have numerous conversations about this. I can usually shut Him up on the outside so I can continue in my self-hating mindset. But when I get into His house, I can FEEL Him try to wrap me in His love.. and I don't deserve it.... so I fight it.. Years of guilt of not being good enough come to the surface and He wants to take it all away from me. Sadly, I don't ever let Him. Although I should.

    My suggestion to you for a church... I don't know what 'religion' you were raised with. I am a baptized Lutheran. All my kids are baptized Lutheran. However, I don't tend to go to a Lutheran church most of the time. I do, however, strongly believe that communion is a necessity (I have no idea why) So when i feel the need, I go to communion at a Lutheran church here in town.

    anyway.. my laptop battery is going to die and Carli is trying to rip my hair out.. I'll type more later. I love you!