Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Chamber of Unreasonable Guilt

Yesterday I ordered my Bodybugg SP.  This is the only one of the three items I was hoping to purchase (as I wrote about here) that I'll actually be buying.  The reduction in my shopping list from three items to one was brought about by recent financial misfortune as chronicled here.  Are we caught up now?  Good. 

My logic is that if I am able to calculate, with numbers-geek accuracy, the calories I burn by vaccuming and mopping I will dislike these chores slightly less, cancelling out the need for the robotic vacuum cleaner and floor mopper.  And, of course, we know my logic is always spot-on, right?  RIGHT?  I thought so!

But here's the thing...the agonizing I went through before I allowed myself to purchase this item was fairly impressive, even for me.  I'm starting to realize that....well at the risk of seeming like a pompous windbag I'm going to quote my favorite author, in my favorite book, and say that "The chamber of unreasonable guilt is part of my mental architecture, and I doubt that I will ever be able to renovate that particular room in this strange castle that is me"  - Dean Koontz, Odd Thomas.

I love that quote, I adore the book and I desperately await the next book in the series so that I can have more wonderful quotes like that one, and "Nothing is worse than being alone on the evening of the day when one's cow has exploded."  God please let there be another one soon!!!

Wow did I get off track.  Shocking, I know.

ANYway, why do I subject myself to all this guilt?  I work hard, I've had fairly impressive success in my career considering that I don't have a degree.  I make decent money, though I won't be hiring servants any time soon.  So I spent $209 on something I've been wanting FOR YEARS.  Something that will, theoretically, make me a healthier person.  Something that I have researched extensively and that holds the ringing endorsement of experts in exercise and diet.  So why do I feel the need to justify this over and over and over again, to myself, to you?

Sunday I did nearly nothing.  I got up, allowed The Man to buy me brekfast (because I'm a giver that way), we went grocery shopping and I did nothing but read, watch TV and nap from about 12:30 until 6:30 when it was time to go bowling.  If not for the fact that I felt like absolute crap I would have not been able to bear the enjoyment of it.  I would have had to get up and do something productive.  And even now, two days later, I still feel guilty because there is dust on my furniture, my hampers overfloweth and my taxes remain unfiled. 

I made an appointment today to get cortisone shots in my elbows.  I learned the last time I did this that I DO NOT want to go back to work after.  It's fairly painful in the hours that follow the shots, though totally worth it for the longish-term relief.   So I made the appointment for a Friday morning, because a Thursday evening wasn't available, and I put in for a vacation day.  And do you know what?  I'm actually LOOKING FORWARD to the time after, though I know I will be in pain, because I will be able to justify in my sick mind a few hous reading or sleeping during the day without feeling like I should be doing something else.

Let's be clear, I'm not a saint or a martyr.  I'm not saying, by any stretch, that I DON'T do nice things for myself....I do.  I just then feel guilty as hell about it. 

Seriously...what the FUCK?  When did it become a sin to be nice to ourselves?  Or is it just me?

I don't think it's just me.  I know too many people who suffer the same self-inflicted angst.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why are we SO FREAKING HARD on ourselves?  Why can't we be as good to ourselves as we are to others without feeling selfish?  Or, maybe a better question is...is being selfish necessarily bad? 

If I'm good to me, then I can be good to you?  No?  YES!!!

So....my BodyBugg will be here this Friday.  Saturday I will begin counting calories with the enthusiasm whith which I count hours and wages at work.  And then...you know what?  Some time this weekend, without being at death's door or anything, I will spend two hours reading.  I make this commitment to you, but do me a favor, make a commitment to me to do something nice for yourself too.  Ok? 

What will you do for you? 

Today's lunch:  Amy's Pesto Tortellini bowl.  Yeah, I know I'm repetitive.  But it's GOOD.

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