I think I may have discovered a pattern in my life and it's not paisley.
I started datng The Ex in high school. We went to prom together for crap sake (everyone say awwwwww). I dragged him into marriage, homeownership, fatherhood and divorce (he went willingly into none but parenthood). Before the ink was even dry on my divorce I was in another serious relationship...The Man. That lasted fve years. Well the "relationship" really lasted more like three but the cohabitation dragged on. Two months after his unceremonious departue I was on the phone with Texas (yes he now has a nickname), which lasted four months. And here I am, eight days later, hearing the tagline in my head (Match? Eharmony? Losers-R-Us?) "It doesn't hurt to look".
But I'm fighting it, because it DOES hurt to look...because looking leads to to dating. Dating leads to lies and lies lead right back where I am now...so why not just save myself the trip?
I feel like there's someone out there for me. Someone honest, with a quick mind, honorable behavior, a caring soul, a career and a good head on his shoulders....and did I mention honest? Anyway I feel like I need to go find him.
I was in a room of 200 or so Payroll Managers once and the conference leader said "Raise your hand if you're a control freak". 90% of us raised our hands. I'm convinced the other 10% were there for the free coffee. So it's not surprising that I feel like if I don't GO OUT AND MAKE THIS HAPPEN it will NEVER happen.
I mean sure being alone is kind of boring. And I do HATE HATE HATE yardwork. But I also really don't like being lied to, or being told that I'm lazy (me with two jobs, a kid, a house, a yard, a more challenging than average workout routine), or treated like I'm stupid, or cleaning up other people's messes, or smelling someone else's morning breath...that all kinda sucks too. I really enjoy the fact that I can watch whatever I want on TV...in bed...where the whole thing is mine. I can do ALL of my laundry for the week in two loads, I can get up early or sleep in on the weekend and nobody criticizes me. Grocery shopping is no longer a major fiscal challenge. This all very good single-chick stuff.
So why do I....why do WE (as women) continue to put ourselves through this? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller???
I'm honestly not afraid of being alone. When The Man left I called my friend in hysterical tears, sobbing "I'm all alone". I paced the floors for days feeling like I wasn't attached to anything. There were no rules and no net. I felt like the astronot whose lifeline got cut. Just floating. It scared the nee nee's out of me but I've gotten used to it. Even during the Texas situation I was alone. He was there, I was here...unless I was there...but that was just playing house. That wasn't dealing with life's responsibilites. And I've pretty much learned to do that on my own. Every once in a while life throws me a curveball and either I deal with it myself or I get help from a friend, but I'm still standing. As long as I have The Boy, good friends and a decent paying job I know I'll be fine. Probably better than fine. But it would be nice to have someone to come home to who doesn't live there because he's not old enough to get his own place yet.
Then again I lived long enough with people who were only there because it's where their stuff was. Maybe if I wait for it to be right I'll find someone who is there because I'm there. Wouldn't that be cool?
Today's lunch...Marie Calendar's Chicken Pot Pie soup and a Panera Oatmeal Raisin cookie.
The soup tasted nothing like pot pie, but was better than most "diet" soups for roughly the same calories (less volume though). And yes I logged the cookie.