Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Ultimate Reset Day 10 - Day of Self-Destruction

You guys today has sucked.  Just all around, in almost every way, it has supremely sucked.  And I have responded to it's suckiness by indulging in self-defeating, self-destructive, stupidheaded tendencies as if it were my chosen occupation.  That's right...I spent the day fucking up like it's my job.

I started out by oversleeping.  Yes, I do this often on the weekend but during the week I'm pretty much a grownup.  But I hit snooze one too many times.  Last night I failed to pre-slice and pack my breakfast so I ended up with this:

Yes that's my car seat.  I took this at a red light.

 Yeah, a red light, that's the ticket.

I ate the apple in the car and figured I'd save the orange & kiwi, having one as a snack mid-morning, and another as a snack mid-afternoon.  I'm having a really hard time with the not snacking.  I've had it drilled into my head for so many years that we're supposed to eat every 2 to 3 hours.  

So I got to work and all heck broke loose.  Nothing out of the ordinary but a whole bunch of stress-making stuff all at once.  To be honest, a typical Tuesday.  But I then made a very stupid decision in my personal life, which I won't get into, and ended up melting down at work.  And I'm not talking about a quick little bit of waterworks, cowgirl up and get back to the work at hand, but I'm talking about a full blown snotfest, requiring multiple trips to the ladies room and a half box of kleenex, some of them belonging to my sainted boss as I was trying to act like I was fine while we talked about the proctological exam we call the 401k audit.

Well bless Bossman's heart, he asked if there was anything he could do for me, and I said I'd like to take lunch early (like two hours early) to compose myself.  Of course he said yes and I went to the car, with about a half roll of paper towels.  

See, here's the thing.  When my blood sugar drops, I temporarily cross the line into, I'm pretty sure, a diagnosable mental disorder.  

Clinically speaking, I lose my freaking mind.

I felt it happening and ate my orange as I was trying, pretty much unsuccessfully, to form comprehensible sentences to answer Bossman's questions, but it wasn't enough.

I'm pretty sure the blood sugar issue prompted the poor personal decision in the first place.  It is not like me to shoot off three emails to girlfriends asking "What should I do?" and then make my own decision on the fly before any of them can reply.  Then when I realized I effed up, the low blood sugar turned a "go in the ladies room, have a little, cry, fix your makeup and then fix your mistake" problem in to the end of the freaking world.

So...after 50 minutes of crying on the phone to my also-sainted boyfriend, here I was, in the car, red nosed and red eyed, having left work visibly upset mumbling "I'm taking an early lunch I'll be back in an hour"....I couldn't very well go back into the office and start warming up bisque and chopping up salad at my desk.  I needed to walk in and get back to work.

You can find just about anything you could ever want to eat within 1/4 mile of my office.  Seriously.  It's ridiculous.  Fortunately, at this point I didn't have the 'fuck it' attitude that would normally send me straight to McDonald's for a quarter pounder and a frappe.  I wanted to do this right, stay on track, just get something quick and easy.


My plan, honest to blog, was to get a nice fruit smoothie, but I wanted to make sure I got some protein in it to level out the blood sugar.  So I asked the girl behind the counter what they could do vegan.  Here comes the worst possible answer I could get....

"Oh we can make anything on the menu vegan.  We'll just replace the yogurt with soy protein"

Before I knew what happened, a fat, unhealthy compulsive eater took over my brain and said "Ok a regular peanut power shake with soy protein and one of these vegan peanut butter cookies"

If the rules are no refined sugar, no dairy, no meat, no alcohol, no caffeine, no preservatives and no artificial sweeteners, I had unwittingly wandered into the only place on the planet where I could consume over 1,000 calories at one meal without breaking any of those rules. Hell without sitting down or picking up a fork!!

I could have just gone to McDonald's and gotten a fruit smoothie, hold the yogurt, for a fraction of the calories and money.  And gone drive-through!!!

I'd love to say the cookie was gross......

What I will say is I felt like absolute shit after eating it.

So....back on the horse.  Focusing on the positive.  I made it 9 1/2 days without veering even one tiny speck away from the plan, and I will do the next 11 the same way.  Today I didn't eat anything that set me back addiction-wise, like a diet coke or frappe would have.  I didn't eat dairy or meat and spoil my vegetarian/vegan streak.  I just simply ate too much.  Moving on.

After work I had to drive to BFE to meet The Boy where he was dropping his car off to be fixed.  He got lost and was a half hour late.   So even though I didn't have to cook dinner, I STILL didn't get done eating untl 8:30.

Dinner was what I packed for today's lunch.  Sweet potato and roasted red pepper bisque with greek salad.

I needed a smile.

I have some shuffling to do in order to get back on track.  The recipe that was supposed to be tonight's dinner and tomorrow's lunch looks awesome, and also looks like a lot of work.  More work than I want to do at 9pm for lunch tomorrow when I could wait and double the recipe tomorrow night, when I can get an earlier start (God willing and the creek don't rise) and then have it for tomorrow's dinner and Thursday's lunch.  Fortunately we're allowed to switch meals around within any given phase.  Any lunch for any lunch, any dinner for any dinner.  And we're allowed to repeat and skip.  I have avoided replacing something I don't think I'll like with something I know I do because I want to try every recipe, but tomorrow's dinner and Thursday's lunch is supposed to be Hearty Vegetable Miso Soup.  I don't like vegetable soup, and I wasn't a big fan of the miso soup, so this does not bode well.  

So tomorrow for lunch I will repeat Day 8's lunch, which was a microgreen salad.  Then tomorrow night I'll have what I was supposed to have tonight and all will be right with the world....minus the miso.

And yes, I'm fully aware that the above two paragraphs read very much like this

And as much as I may regret this tomorrow, I'm not making tomorrow's breakfast or lunch tonight.  I'm going to go relax, watch a little TV, and I'll get up early to slice and dice, right after I EAT MY BREAKFAST.  Because when they say "fresh fruit plate", they don't just mean "eat an apple on the highway".  Lesson learned.

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